Me, Myself and I
This entry is a dedication to my soul. A 25-going-on-15-year-old soul. I supposed when you have a whole blog to your selfish writings and forcing some of your selected close friends to read, it is actually ok to write about yourself and your inner feelings.
I am back from a trip. I didn't gain much from the trip except to acknowledge that I have changed. I had too-early-in-the-morning talks with my Brother (well, technically, he is my Mother's brother, who is in his mid 30s so we are more like siblings, even his partner referred to him as my brother) and too-late-into-the-night talks with my Aunt made me realised that I am now different.
Not as in better or worse off but just different. For once I behaved childishly. Have you ever see a 25 year-old playing catching with her younger sisters and laughing like there was no tomorrow? Well, if you have that very person might just be me and if you haven't how about a game? I am no longer colourblind. My worlds used to be in balck and white. Either you are right or you are wrong. Either you are bad or you are good. Either I love you or I hate you. There is nothing in between. I had lived with these extreme mentalities for a long time. Now I know that grey exists. I am so objective until I scringe when I thought of it. I now see things from both sides. I understand the objectives behind your despicable actions but I might not accept them. Understanding objectivity even though I might not accept the reason had made me a calmer person. At least that's what I think. It makes me a less angry when things are not right.
Maybe all these are part of growing up (even though I don't think that it is natural to behave, less and feel 15 when you are 25). Maybe something (extreme bad vibes?) was just taken away from me the day that my Father passed away. Till this day, there is a void that was never filled up. The pain is unbearable when I think of him. The lost opportunity of ever talking and seeing him again. I think of him everyday. Each time the pain hurts more. Today, I am able to bury all the pains behind a facade. Every birthday, every outing, every trip, every chinese new year without my Father never seems to be complete. There may be many people around me to rally the mood but it never quite feel right again.
Do people live long with a hole in the heart?
I am back from a trip. I didn't gain much from the trip except to acknowledge that I have changed. I had too-early-in-the-morning talks with my Brother (well, technically, he is my Mother's brother, who is in his mid 30s so we are more like siblings, even his partner referred to him as my brother) and too-late-into-the-night talks with my Aunt made me realised that I am now different.
Not as in better or worse off but just different. For once I behaved childishly. Have you ever see a 25 year-old playing catching with her younger sisters and laughing like there was no tomorrow? Well, if you have that very person might just be me and if you haven't how about a game? I am no longer colourblind. My worlds used to be in balck and white. Either you are right or you are wrong. Either you are bad or you are good. Either I love you or I hate you. There is nothing in between. I had lived with these extreme mentalities for a long time. Now I know that grey exists. I am so objective until I scringe when I thought of it. I now see things from both sides. I understand the objectives behind your despicable actions but I might not accept them. Understanding objectivity even though I might not accept the reason had made me a calmer person. At least that's what I think. It makes me a less angry when things are not right.
Maybe all these are part of growing up (even though I don't think that it is natural to behave, less and feel 15 when you are 25). Maybe something (extreme bad vibes?) was just taken away from me the day that my Father passed away. Till this day, there is a void that was never filled up. The pain is unbearable when I think of him. The lost opportunity of ever talking and seeing him again. I think of him everyday. Each time the pain hurts more. Today, I am able to bury all the pains behind a facade. Every birthday, every outing, every trip, every chinese new year without my Father never seems to be complete. There may be many people around me to rally the mood but it never quite feel right again.
Do people live long with a hole in the heart?
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home